So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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