sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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