Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
please come you make the beer taste better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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