life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
