So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My ass is underappreciated
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
