i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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