I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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