So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
