My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
