Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
