I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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