At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
