Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
