we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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