Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
