I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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