All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
