I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
