I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
