just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
