Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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