Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
