so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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