Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
