She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wear drunk well.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
