A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
two words: eviction party
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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