My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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