Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
