Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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