Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
