why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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