I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
