well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
