The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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