Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
