Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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