Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
