Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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