It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
