I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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