a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
