i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
