i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She's the barista slut.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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