I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
