so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
