im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
