She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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