She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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