The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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