Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
